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I remember being barely 21 years old when I met him. I fell for him almost immediately. Now I have spent the last five years nearly six years in love with him. I have tried to move on but I am never very successful. The last few years things have been different.

Two years ago he was suppose to move in with me. Then he went off and got drunk and made some mistakes that changed everything. That night I felt completely broken down. We tried to repair and save our friendship, it took us having a conversation that landed in me laying down a firm line.

A line that said we are just friends and that is it.....nothing more. No touching me, no holding hands, no kissing me. This worked for a while. Until one night he kissed me, we were drinking and I simply pulled away and said WTF was that.

We had another long talk and it ended in me boiling it down to not being able to do this anymore that I need more and if he can't grow up and give it to me then this is all we will ever be friends.

I got really busy in Indianapolis so it was easy. We had distance and weren't really talking and when that is going on it's a lot easier to not get affectionate with one another.
Some time passed and I was starting to sense that he genuinely missed me. Lately things have been different....we joked about getting married, having an open marriage, maybe just being fun buddies.

We joked about running away together to a far away place where no one could get to us...we have talked about moving away a million times before. At the same time we talk about real stuff. He has been there for me lately again. We are talking on the phone a lot more again and this past weekend we had a really good time together.

Tonight he turned 30. I am in Indianapolis and had my first day of school today so there was absolutely no way for me to be there for his birthday. I always imagined I would do something elaborate for his 30th birthday.

I called him and he was being all cute...."I really appreciate you calling to tell me happy birthday...why aren't you here,"

I hate that it still makes me melt...the truth is...I don't know if I will ever truly move on from him.

Maybe after everything we have been through....it will be us two in the end.

or maybe it wont.

New Years

New Years brings on those oh so wondrous resolutions.

 

Mine was simple out loud quit smoking. Silently I decided to start working out n dieting. I dont want to tell anyone, because they'll doubt me.

 

I hate when they doubt me but how can I blame them, I have a horrible record of follow through. Veronica and I are suppose to start  some dance class that would be a good start  that and wii fit. Along  with dieting thats my plan for now.

 

Maybe eventually I'll start going to the free classes at Broadripple, but that requires time.

 

Maybe I could work it out,

 

Crystal

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Wow

I honestly can't remember the last time I wrote in this thing. I know its been a long time. My life has kind of changed a lot. Somewhere along the lines my life became consumed with work and intern music again. I can't complain about that.

I know I have written well at least posted a song about the guy that came by this weekend. His name was Ryan, he is who 5683love is written about. Also Peace out Later, I'm Done.

My roommate is my best friend Veronica. Its kind of weird what happens when you move in with your best friend. You get closer and distant all at once its odd.

Anyway she had been seeing this guy. He and her had talked a few times over the last few years. When I say a few I genuinely mean they saw each other a few times (3) in the last three years. He liked her, she didn't like him, it was complicated.

After being alone for so long and coming to Indy she started to feel lonely he came around and she decided to give him a chance. In the end it didn't work out. She slept with him and she let herself get disappointed.

I gave her a whole spiel about how she shouldn't have done it. That he obviously wanted one thing. How she jeopardized her belief for something stupid.

So when Ryan came calling this weekend, I almost didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to hear any kind of speech from her about anything. The truth is Ryan is someone who over the last four years I periodically fall back into.

So for me to sleep with him again or talk to him again really is a poor decision. I know that. He is in my phone as loser. There is a reason for that, yet for some reason after six months of not talking...he entered my mind recently.

Apparently I entered his as well....because he tracked down my phone number and called. I didn't call him. I was taken back but what it boiled down to was sex.
Its been a while...the last time I did was with him. That was almost a year a go.
Sure there is this guy that recently things happened between us but I don't know where thats going and it doesn't really seem likely that it is going anywhere.

I would be lying if there was some big I wanna be with you speech like in the past. Some big discussion about all the things we have been through....maybe a small one but I left it as it was the past. I just had this need to see him just to see. I don't know what I wanted to see.

Mostly I just wanted to know that if I wanted to I could have him I guess. Honestly it was just so business so hi lets have sex and then it was done. We talked for a while he told me some things...I kind of listened. It didn't change anything. I don't even feel the need to talk to him today.

He hasn't texted me either.
I don't plan on texting him.

It was what it was. Simple as that SEX.

Is there really anything wrong with that?

My roommate told me that I disrespected myself....that it was the same thing she had just gone through.

I told her it wasn't because I wasn't emotionally involved it was simple...it was SEX.

soo

I have been going through a lot of the past lately bc I am moving and finding old notebooks and what not and tonight i decide to look back 6 years in my lj and read things, and the more I read I was so thankful to have this thing, and then the further I got the more I realized how sad it is to read how happy people made your life that can no longer be a part of it, it is simply heartbreaking. I hate that I even care. But EG was a big part of my life and despite the bad that happened she will always hold a spot near n dear to my heart. A heart that belongs to a whole nother life.

Lindsey I love you, I know you dont look at lj but I am sure after being on the phone tonight forever going over ur lj and you getting the internet in the next couple days you will....the post about me being your joy simply meant the world to me, its amazing out of all the people that were near to my heart, that you and I are still and always will be friends.
I love you

maybe

sometimes you just can't help to miss the people who were once important to your life.

well

I somehow manage to make it through the semi,......n i think i may have pulled off all a's go me!

lalala break lalala love?

Do we ever get to rise above it all

Greatness

Tell her this-Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared thats all
Tell her Ill be by her side, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.


Your Guardian Angel-RJA

When I see your smile,
Tears roll down my face.
I can't replace.
And now that I'm stronger, I have figured out,
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.
And I know I'll find deep inside me,
I can be the one.

I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

It's okay,
It's okay,
It's okay-ay-ay-ay-ay

Seasons are changing,
And waves are crashing,
And stars are falling all for us.
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter,
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

'Cause you're my, you're my, my-e-y-e-y,
My true love, my whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
'Cause I'm here... for you!
Please don't walk away and,
Please tell me you'll stay... here!

Whoa-oh!
Stay!
Whoa-oh!

Use me as you will!
Pull my strings just for a thrill!
And I know I'll be okay,
Though my skies are turning grey! (grey! grey! )

I will never let you fall!
I'll stand up with you forever!
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven!

I will never let you fall!
I'll stand up with you forever!
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven!

Melee-Stand up

I got in a fight over some stupid insecurities.
Stepped out of the light.
When did we lose our old identity?

Now my white flags are waving around
'Cause you don't need your best
friends bringing you down.
Something in the air with the smoke and the fire
Got in my eyes, our eyes singing,

Stand up, stand up
Can I be strong enough?
I'm trying hard to be myself again
To be myself again.

I've been tripping over all the rules
Living my live somebody else's way.
I've been sinking on this ship of fools,
Following orders that I can't obey.

Now my white flags are waving around
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/8Feh ]
'Cause the choices I've made
ran me into the ground.
Someone's at the crash site digging me out.
I hope it's you, I hear you singing to me

Stand up, stand up
Can I be strong enough?
I'm trying hard to be myself again
Stand up, stand up
Brothers be strong enough.
We're trying hard to be ourselves again
To be ourselves again.

When plans go wrong they won't set the sun.
When plans go wrong they won't ruin the day.

Stand up, stand up
I gotta be strong enough.
I'm trying hard to be myself again.
So stand up, stand up.
Brothers be strong enough.
We're trying hard to be ourselves again again.

Stand up, stand up (Stand up, stand up) [ x3 ]
Stand up, stand up, stand up!
Stand up, stand up (Stand up, stand up) [ x3 ]
Stand up, stand up

Melee- Cant Hold On

Someone cries and it washes
the street with tears
But when they are mine, they
collect in my head for years
Rain or shine, still I'm
standing on all I said
'Cause it's in my soul, carry on
when the feeling's dead

[ Chorus ]
But if you can't hold on
Let it go and come back in your heart
And if you can't hold on
Maybe it's not time for you
And if you can't hold on
On your very last try
I'll be there in the morning
to pull you through

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid
of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved
to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me
something that's going to last
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/8FUR ]

[ Chorus ]

I want to be free
I want to be free
I want to be free
Yes, I want to be free
I want to be free
Yes, I want to be free
Oh, I want to be free
Yes, I want to be free

You say you want to be free
But you can't fool me
You say you want to be free
Oh, but you can't fool me
You say you want to be free
But you can't fool me
You say you want to be free
Oh, but you can't fool me

Oh, and if you can't hold on
You can't hold on (Can't hold on)
You can't hold on (Can't hold on)
I'll be there, I'll be there

Oh, and if you can't hold on
Let it go and come back in your heart
And if you can't hold on
Maybe it's not time for you
And if you can't hold on
On your very last try
I'll be there so you know
that you're not alone

Jesus Etc.-Wilco

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have
Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

n more

since indy

Today I saw the rain
come down outside my window pain
I use to love the emill
sometimes it even kept me sane.
Yet today I thought of you
My face melted away into not the greatest place.

Just like a flash it all came back
how could you
leave me by myself.
How could u just let it all
slip away inside.

Cause 2nite I cant forget
The 1st time we met
the 1st time we laughed
the 1st time our lips did a lil dance
the 1st night we made love.

It was raining outside
I opened up my window
and you could smell it
so vigorously
Slowly you reached over me to smell
the scent I had been braggin about.

Than our lips slowly met
and than our bodies started to dance.
We danced into the night
Its like our two bodies had waited there
whole lives to be one.

But now I sit here and I cry
I'm alone tonight.
I cant smell the rain
without thinking of you

How could you just walk out on me
Get up and leave
Like nothing ever mattered
yet tonight I sit and cry
I cant help but to wonder are you thinking of me tonight

How could u just walk out on me
how could u just leave.
Just leave me alone.
To escape inside.
How could u just leave
like nothing mattered
between u and me.
---
I hate meeting someone new
I hat that I constantly compare
them to you.
Is that just how it works
Every significant love in your
life...
will come back.
to haunt you.

----
god i know that your sending me home
that i wont be there alone
the stars are shining bright for me
lifes waiting, just wanna be free
free to be your instant star
free to be wherever you are
the one you wont let go to far.
Cause your holding me tight
all through the night.

Free to be whoever you are
free to be your instant star
Im never gonna let you go
Cause god only knows
When Ill be free to be your number one.

Cause im soaring from up above.
Free to be your instant star
free to go wherever you are.
Free to be all that you need.
and your free to just see me.

---
Id ont know what to tell you
I dont knwo what to ask
I dont even know how long
these feelings will last

All i know is when your lips touched mine
I felt my heart skip a beat.
I felt you inside of me.
I knew that finally this could
be something more than you and me.

Feelings were strong and
feeling were fast.
Maybe this time things will last.

---
I wish I could erase the last three years
back to a day that has no fears.
Start over yet again
its the story of my life

The story of my life
stuck in the past
dont wanna look forward
thats how its always been
but not anymore
im just waiting for things to begin.

--


alot of this arent complete...there just the start.

some stuff that came around this summer...

pre indy

Its after midnight


its after midnight
the sun has gone down
all you hear outside
are the night sounds

its after midnight
time to let it down
time to push my head
right out and let my heart
take control

its after midnight
things have changed
the way we look in the daylight
it doesnt mean a thang
oh its after midnight.

du du du dooo
do you know how it feels
when the lights go out
do u know what i think
when its you all im all about
behind a hidden door
no one can know anymore

u hide
i hid
we cant let this win
so i push
u pull
this is all a bunch a bull
when will
we see
which way its gonna be

cause if i dont run
you dont chase
if i chase you run
i cant win
i cant hide
i cant stop
its just me and u
inside

Its after midnight
were behind closed doors
we hit the bed
pretend to sleep
but soon our lips meet

just friends
just friends
just friends

its after midnight
lifes just effervecent
eternal sunshine of spotless mind
i cant hide what inside
cant erase that shameless past
cant know when things will stop
erase, its not possible
forget, even harder

so i let it live
i try to let it die
i scream inside
i hide
i hide

behind close doors
his feelings soar
outside he hides
he hides
he hides

but right now its after midnight
time to let it soar
but tommorrow
ill regret the night before.

Bittersweet

everyday of my life
i cant help but wonder why
im leaving you
and im leaving the past behind

i cant see anymore
life is such a bore
without you my life far worse

yet i need to move on
i can no longer hold on
to things that just shouldnt be

cause two wrongs dont make a right
and im sending you my life
without you, by my side.
You cant make something fit
if just wont stick
around.

So i live out my life
I forget all the strife
between us
And i deal day to day
no life is meant this way
that better will come
so i ponder and i lay
as i wait for the day
i get the chance to say

life with out you is so good
and i knew somehow it would be
better off this way
less things are insane
and Im happy and i know you are too.

For the rest of my life
if i never get things right
at least i know i made
the right choice
when it came to you and me
without you life is sweet




While in Indy


5683LOVE


Its like 5683love and he looked at me.
I just dont know exactly what i see.
Cause I cant help but to be obscene.
Its all i know inside me.
When thing beigin I want to scream.
I'm way to vulnerable and scared
so dont take me to seriously.
Dont neglect me
If you do I will hide and escape inside.
It doesnt take me long to run.
But im trying to just be Alive........

It like 5683 love
not as easy as 123
A little more complicated
A little more indepth
You have to look pass the surface
to see the meaning.
Yet I just try to be me.
I never thought these words could
be a song.
Until you came and helped them along.

Now your pulling at me.
Seeming more complicated than I ever was.
Its like 5683 love
you just have to see past the insecurities
I've been hurt
I've been used
I've even been physically abused.

Its hard so I dont deal.
Lifes not easy
Erase the last 3 days
Start again.
It just seems wrong ending something
that never really began.
I live my life in song.
Songs to me linger for so long.
As do words
Open your eyes
dont let life and opportunity
pass you by.

Its as easy as 5683 love to see me.
not as easy as 123
a little more complicated
a little more indepth
you just have to see past the insecurities
its like 5683love
ive been hurt
Ive been used
Ive even been physically abused
Its as easy as 5683 love.
to see me.

Peace out later Im Done ,/u>

Cause he breaks me in and out
I cant feel my heart beating to the sound
I feel dumped
on
im out of control
I feel so incredibly alone.
So i night
I sit and cry
When is anything gonna come out right.
I make time.
Nothings easy
so
I loose it,
and IM feeling sleezy
knocked down used by u.
Cant help but to feel mislead
im such a tool.
My guards up
im not letting down..
Your the first one in a while thats come around
who I though might be worth
taking a chance.
But now I see im wrong
things wont last.
Dont know whats the truth....
dumb excuses
all i know for sure is I cant trust you.
Everyday its something else.
Peace out
later.

Is what its all about.
I dont need someone to validate me
All I need is someone who true to me.
So if you cant fit in with that.
If you cant respect
than I dont want that.
How am I suppose to believe you
when everyday its something else.
Today its this, yesterday it was that.
Man I need a cigarette.
I dont like that you already make me cry.
I guess its not just u,
it everything all rolled up in one.
You just make everything come out at once.

You seemed like you could be
my refugee
my peace of mind for the time being
but things didnt work out that easy
back to square one
thats it im done
it not 5683love
that im thinking its as easy 123
to say peace out
good bye
later.
Now I feel better.

lynching

Do u believe that the smallest life change
can affect everything that comes.
Like if you would have changed one thing
one choice.
Even if it was as small as doing something
that you bailed out on.
Do you ever wonder if you had made that choice...
if things would be different.

Do you ever wonder
or think about what was that one point
in your life that led you to the place you are.

I do all the time.
I wonder what would happened what could have
changed had things been different.
Had I never worked at McDonalds and broke my leg.
Who would I have become.
Would I be a totally different person.

If I hadnt taken that job when I was fifteen.
I never would have broke my knee.
If I never would have broke my knee, I would
never of have had a million surgeries.
I never would have been bed ridden for so long.
I never would have gotten RSD.
I wouldtn have to live knowing one day it could come back.

It never fully goes away..any given day i could awake n its back.
It scares me.
But I forget so often.
In fact im not even thankful enough for the fact that I can walk.
I should run and climb mountains and walk everyday
because I CAN.
I almost wasnt going to be able to.
I guess this whole thing ive been thinking about lately
is useless and pointless.
But I just cant help it sometimes.

If I had never decided to work at McDonalds
it never would have happened.
Or if someone had actually cleaned the floors the night before.
Than again...if it never happened
I might not be who I am.
I like who I am on the inside.
I know I can be rediculous.
Overly dramatic at times.
And I take things hard.
But I am who I am.
I love hard
I care big.
Im thoughtful
I take action.

If I hadnt gotten hurt
if i kept working out back than
because I was in the processes of dramatic weightloss
than...if I continued with a somewhat normal life.
Who knows who I would have become.
Maybe I would have came out better.
Maybe I would never of had the relationships I have.
I know there is no point in dwelling.
On such things.
But sometimes I just wish you could flip a switch
and just see what might have been.



ill post more later

I HAVE TO PASS OUT

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