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I remember being barely 21 years old when I met him. I fell for him almost immediately. Now I have spent the last five years nearly six years in love with him. I have tried to move on but I am never very successful. The last few years things have been different.

Two years ago he was suppose to move in with me. Then he went off and got drunk and made some mistakes that changed everything. That night I felt completely broken down. We tried to repair and save our friendship, it took us having a conversation that landed in me laying down a firm line.

A line that said we are just friends and that is it.....nothing more. No touching me, no holding hands, no kissing me. This worked for a while. Until one night he kissed me, we were drinking and I simply pulled away and said WTF was that.

We had another long talk and it ended in me boiling it down to not being able to do this anymore that I need more and if he can't grow up and give it to me then this is all we will ever be friends.

I got really busy in Indianapolis so it was easy. We had distance and weren't really talking and when that is going on it's a lot easier to not get affectionate with one another.
Some time passed and I was starting to sense that he genuinely missed me. Lately things have been different....we joked about getting married, having an open marriage, maybe just being fun buddies.

We joked about running away together to a far away place where no one could get to us...we have talked about moving away a million times before. At the same time we talk about real stuff. He has been there for me lately again. We are talking on the phone a lot more again and this past weekend we had a really good time together.

Tonight he turned 30. I am in Indianapolis and had my first day of school today so there was absolutely no way for me to be there for his birthday. I always imagined I would do something elaborate for his 30th birthday.

I called him and he was being all cute...."I really appreciate you calling to tell me happy birthday...why aren't you here,"

I hate that it still makes me melt...the truth is...I don't know if I will ever truly move on from him.

Maybe after everything we have been through....it will be us two in the end.

or maybe it wont.


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promise of a greater hope

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January 2012
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