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just put the book down for a bit

what the point of something ...
someone comming in to your life...
when they just have to leave.

Books dont always have to end.
Sometimes u just need to pause,
and pick it up later.
Sometimes you can never get back to that book,
and sometimes the next time you pick it up
its better than you ever even remembered it being to
begin with, some books you dont even get hooked til chapter 13....
sometimes things take time.
But sometimes those things are worth the most.
Other times there just not.

Im just curious to know...

which one he will be.

one of my fav books EVER is pride and prejuidice and that book took me at least 13 chapters to get hooked.

a song or two...?

first i wrote this....

Its like 5683love and he looked at me.
I just dont know exactly what i see.
Cause I cant help but to be obscene.
Its all i know inside me.
When thing beigin I want to scream.
I'm way to vulnerable and scared
so dont take me to seriously.
Dont neglect me
If you do I will hide and escape inside.
It doesnt take me long to run.
But im trying to just be Alive........

It like 5683 love
not as easy as 123
A little more complicated
A little more indepth
You have to look pass the surface
to see the meaning.
Yet I just try to be me.
I never thought these words could
be a song.
Until you came and helped them along.

Now your pulling at me.
Seeming more complicated than I ever was.
Its like 5683 love
you just have to see past the insecurities
I've been hurt
I've been used
I've even been physically abused.

Its hard so I dont deal.
Lifes not easy
Erase the last 3 days
Start again.
It just seems wrong ending something
that never really began.
I live my life in song.
Songs to me linger for so long.
As do words
Open your eyes
dont let life and opportunity
pass you by.

Its as easy as 5683 love to see me.
not as easy as 123
a little more complicated
a little more indepth
you just have to see past the insecurities
its like 5683love
ive been hurt
Ive been used
Ive even been physically abused
Its as easy as 5683 love.
to see me.

and today this...

Cause he breaks me in and out
I cant feel my heart beating to the sound
I feel dumped
im out of control
I feel so incredibly alone.
So i night
I sit and cry
When is anything gonna come out right.
I make time.
Nothings easy
I loose it,
and IM feeling sleezy
knocked down used by u.
Cant help but to feel mislead
im such a tool.
My guards up
im not letting down..
Your the first one in a while thats come around
who I though might be worth
taking a chance.
But now I see im wrong
things wont last.
Dont know whats the truth....
dumb excuses
all i know for sure is I cant trust you.
Everyday its something else.
Peace out

Is what its all about.
I dont need someone to validate me
All I need is someone who true to me.
So if you cant fit in with that.
If you cant respect
than I dont want that.
How am I suppose to believe you
when everyday its something else.
Today its this, yesterday it was that.
Man I need a cigarette.
I dont like that you already make me cry.
I guess its not just u,
it everything all rolled up in one.
You just make everything come out at once.

You seemed like you could be
my refugee
my peace of mind for the time being
but things didnt work out that easy
back to square one
thats it im done
it not 5683love
that im thinking its as easy 123
to say peace out
good bye
Now I feel better.
There are people you meet throughout your life people whose memory stays with you long after the friendships have dwindle, and if your fortunate enough you will have some kind of tie to the people who once mattered forever. Maybe it will be a simple IM from time to time, maybe it wll be a message over some kind of internet blog. But those opportunities are there. And if your really lucky some of those people will remain a constant person throughout your life, maybe its your best friend, maybe it was the love of your life who changed from that one great love, to someone who you will care about always and a friendship that will forever last. Maybe it is the friendships you built as you grew older. I think about the people in my life often, and sometimes I think about the ones that have gone. Although I do still find time to talk to some of those individuals and although I will never forget them, I will never know them the way I once did, at least not all of them. When I think about those people I wonder who will be around the day I get married or have my first kid, seeing as this isn't something I plan on doing for quite sometime.
Than I think about the quote in the heading, I don't know where it came from, I just know one day I wrote it down... I never remembered if I had heard it somewhere or if just came out of my own mind. In a way the meaning of that quote changes for me over time. This last year I went through some of the hardest months of my life, to a point where I didn't even know if I would ever be able to get back to who I once knew I was. Maybe I did not want to be an exact mistake making replica but there were a lot of things about my self I valued. I will never be the same from the things that have happened litterally over the last year, its hard to believe its almost been a year. I always put people before my self and I have learned that it is always good to think of the ones you care about, but first and foremost this is your life, and you just got a find a nice balance between the two, because going from one extreme to the other doesn't work either. That is kind of where I am at now.
I know who the people are who stuck by my side through all of it, I know who the people are who believed in me, and I would like to think those people will always be there. Yet that doesn't mean that they will. However I will carry that thought with me always. Having people who truly care for you, isn't something that happens often.
So when it does I hold on for dear life.
Yet I'm learning to let go,
not all friendships last forever.


blah america blah

Everyday I sit around and I notice the way people interact with eachother,
never have I realized how different things really are.
Not until I really took a second to notice.
Diversity is everywhere you go.
it effects every person differently.
I am Mexican and Irish,
People say they can not tell that I am Mexican
yet it is as much a part of me as is America.
Much of my family speaks another language.
I never took the time to learn.
Much of my family knows what it is like to feel the prejudice of being different.
I always passed as white.
Yet I am, I am mexican.
I should be proud of it,
I am proud of it.

People gasp sometimes when I tell them
they find it hard to believe
I still get offended when people talk about mexicans
they talk down about them
They do it around me all the time and act as if it is nothing.
When I say something, they simply reply you aren't really Mexican.

But I am
My grandfather was from Mexico and he moved to this country
to make a better life for his family and he did so.
But none the less he was from Mexico,
and my grandmother came from Spain.

So when you say I am not really mexican
its not true I am.
My grandfather is and he was a greatly respected man.
He fought for this country and died a citizen.
He became an American, He died a Mexican American.
But he was still Mexican.

I was raised in white america,
my family always lived in white populated areas
I grew up white.
I have never fully understood what it is to be my race.
Does that mean I shouldnt be bothered by the statemeants people make.
I am.

My family My Mexican family is full of some of the hardest workers I have ever met. Many of them are very succesful. All of them raised there families in white america. They are more intelligent than a lot of people I know. They are mexican with high morals. They believe in opportunity that america has to offer. More than many of the people I know and grew up with. A lot of the people who I know who put mexicans down have given up on america and its opportunity. I think this is sad. People die to come to this country, people fight to live here. Because of the opportunity this country has. Yet we put down the people who see opportunity here because there not "American". At least they see what this country has to offer. I am not really sure what the point of everything I just typed is. Maybe it is just my way of saying that I think it is sad and disgracful that the wonderful white america I grew up in doesnt see the good this world has to offer puts down america left and right. When people would die to be a part of this country and you put down those people for wanting something more. Just because they aren't the color you are. Everyone in this country is equal, we all have the same opportunities if we want them. if we choose to try, try for something better. We are all Americans. Mexican,black, white, italian, asian etc. we all live in this country, so why are we still all divided. Shouldnt we all be one. When will the time come when we will stop looking down on people because they are different. Aren't we all people. We all breathe. We all have blood running through us. So why dont we treat each other as such. When my mom was little there was segregation, she watched it change and come as far as it has come today. Yet I see every day when we enter a more diverse city that things havent really changed that much. Even .in chicago there is division, there is china town where most chinese people live, little Italy, little mexico, greek town etc. Shouldn't it just be one city. Shouldn't we just be one country. I am Mexican/Irish/spanish but I am an American. And I do take offense when you talk down about my race. it is a part of me. American or not.


Emptiness in this hollow ground
Can't rely on life with no sound.
Never knowing when to stop
hit the ground.
Forget this town.

Wondermeant and
Confusion are allies
on there own time.
Love and Distrust
are enemies at war.
Fighting through your head,
Making the mind of insane
way come unclued today.

Step back
Think attack.
Just breath
Just breath
its not all your responsibility.

No more
I'm unglued.
I can't see through the door,
I no longer know what to do.
Living in such a shallow ground.
Lost in life
No sound.

Step back
think attack
just breathe
just breathe
its not all your responsibility.

narcotics agents strike back

blinding twisting....
gone to far
lost in the wild.
A scar on my heart.
Heading in circles
lost exceeding excelleration
run away with no cash.
Lost so Lost.
Lost so Lost.
Turn around closed the door
I cant handle this no more.
I turn my head... I turn to far.
I'm loosing sight.
Within this car
Smash down
Brick wall
Stupid lies.
All night cries.
down in to the ground.
no one listening , no sound.
What do you do
when your in my shoes.
How do you decide...
How do you decieve
is it just you
or is it just me.
Maybe I come off so wrong.
The truth is friendship
is where I belong.
All I want is for someone to be.
A friend with equality.
To listen, and to laugh
all night long smiles so fast.
A friend is all I see,
A friend is all that I need.
Not like you someone whose new.
I cant talk to anyone anymore.
Stuck/slash its gone to far.
You have changed it all
Chain struck at midnight.
Whitnesmeant abondment within sight.
Cry at the sky
Loose as you crawl.
Boom Cat Skat TAT TAT.
exuberently lost.
at nothing but a cost
speeding speeding
rediculous schemes.
That is all it really means.
Just stop!
no more lies
no more lies
no more lies
guilty you
guilty you.
what do you know about that.
of motivation.

STOP calaberation.
forget this disertation
dont look back

Oct. 31st, 2006

of sight
fooled my
i cant see the light.
smudged and dirty.
use to be so clean.
what the hell has
happend to me.

Oct. 31st, 2006

Rip to shreds
Nothing left.
Who stands underneath this mess.
When I remove it all.
Will it still be me.
Where did I go.
Somehow along the way.
I feel as if I have lost it all.

The days I feel as if I am the person
I know my self to be.
Are days that I feel of greatness,
Yet those days are so far and inbetween.
Most days I just feel low.
I had my self and melt into the smoke.

I breath in slow and put it behind me.
Fake happiness is where it lies.
I drink the booze,
I smoke it down,
are these even
answers at all.

I have ruined everything I worked so hard for.
I have reached a low I never fathomed possible.
Everything I once stood for,
almost everything has been swept away.
I know who I am.
I know who I see my self as.
But its as if there is a haze and
I just cant get through the smog.
I cant reach me.

sometimes i cant even see me.

Oct. 31st, 2006

I need to write but the words just wont come.
I just don't feel like I can anymore.
And I need to it gives me solace.
Helps me work through my issues.
I have never had this problem.
Right now I need to write more than ever.
But all i can do is SCREAM

not like last night

I stared across the room at her.
Eyes faded
Scars jaded.
Every ounce of life erased
from her veins.

The beauty she once possesed
at this moment
no longer grazed her face.
The boy made a visit tonight.
He always takes the life right
out of her eyes.

Now all that was left
was the pain in her eyes,
encompassed by the dark
circles that followed her.
Through the night.

My mind raced with anger,
I wish she could see,
see how she looks staring
back at me.
Its not her at all.
I hate to see her fall.

She should see her self
in my eyes.
She always so full of life.
A smile of beauty.
A wonderful person,
when shes awake...
not when she dies.

Not like last night.